Phone Call
by nightwire
Summary: The Titans should NEVER let Beast Boy answer the telephone, because the wacky little scamp just can't seem to keep quiet about certain things!


(Tgnmemory version 2)

"Phone Call"

It was a quiet Saturday morning. Beast Boy was sitting in the kitchen of Titans Tower, busily stuffing his face with tofu and garlic bread.

The telephone rang. Beast Boy walked over and answered it.

"Hello, this is Robin's Discount Funeral Parlor! You whack 'em, we stack 'em!"

- "Erm, excuse me? Isn't this the Teen Titans?"

"Well, of course it is. I was just kidding around, dude. What do you want?"

- "I would like to speak with Robin."

"Well, why do you want to speak with Robin?"

- "Because I'm Batman."

"Yeah right! Speedy, is this you again? I don't find this sort of crap very amusing!"

- "I said I'm Batman."

"And I totally don't believe you, dude. Batman never ever phones here."

- "Well, I'm phoning now."

"Hmm... If you're really really Batman, you could tell me something that only the real Batman would know."

- "Like what?"

"Like, what kind of socks does Robin wear?"

- "He always wears two pairs of white athletic socks, because his feet tend to get sweaty. Satisfied?"

"That's right! Gee, maybe you are the real Batman, after all."

- "Look, kid. I'm the real Batman, all right?"

"Okay, I believe you. Hey, you know something else about Robin? He likes froot loops."

- "Yes, yes. I know he likes froot loops. Now if you could just..."

"And not just for breakfast. Also as a snack."

- "Yes I know. Now will you please just..."

"He prefers the orange and lemon froot loops."

- "Fine, great. Look, I really need to talk to him..."

"But me and Cyborg like Cap'n Crunch."

- "Why are we talking about this?"

"And Raven likes almond granola, and Starfire likes fresh-roasted coffee beans with dijon mustard."

- "Could you please just call Robin to the phone?"

"Well okay, if you want. I will just page him. Ahem... ROBIN! PHONE!"

- "Ow! You little jerk! Don't yell into the phone!"

"Oops, sorry dude. Oh wait, somebody is coming down the stairs."

- "Is it Robin?"

"No, it's Starfire. Would you like to talk to Starfire?"

- "No, I would like to talk to Robin."

"Are you sure? Starfire is sitting right here... It's Batman on the phone, Starfire."

- "No, I really need to talk to Robin."

"Okay, but Starfire is just going to sit here, and listen to everything I say. Telephones fascinate her."

- "She sounds intensely peculiar."

"Dude, you have no idea."

- "Maybe this Starfire girl knows where Robin is?"

"Starfire says that Robin is out in the bay, snorkeling. With his snorkel."

- "Well, could you go find him?"

"Gee dude, it's a really big bay, y'know."

- "Well, you could just look for the snorkel sticking out of the water."

"Dude, there are a lot of snorkels sticking out of the water. Today is Jump City's Annual Snorkel-Fest."

- "What the hell is a snorkel-fest?"

"It's when all the people with snorkels go out and snorkel. But don't worry, Robin should be back in a few minutes."

- "Uh-huh. How many minutes?"

"A few."

- "And what am I supposed to do until then?"

"Well, you could talk to me."

- "Oh god."

"By the way, I'm Beast Boy."

- "That's what I thought."

"Wow, you really are the world's greatest detective! Say, who do you think is the world's second-greatest detective? Maybe Superman?"

- "Um, what? Well no, actually. Superman isn't so much a detective, really. He's really more about flying around, and lifting heavy objects, stuff like that."

"Raven says that his hair makes him look dumb."

- "Yeah, well..."

"Raven says that the little fish-hook spit-curl in the middle of his forehead makes him look like a dweeb."

- "Well, I suppose..."

"And Raven says that that someone should really tell him to buy a comb, because his hair looks like the back end of a wet dog."

- "It's... not really something you can really mention to someone, you know?"

"Oh, I understand completely. It's just like when Robin uses too much hair gel. It's best not to say anything."

- "Tell me about it. Ever since Robin started spiking his hair..."

"Yeah, it's just not a good look for him. Say, you know something? You and me really have a lot in common. We both don't like spiky hair, we're both heroes, we both have pointy ears..."

- "What? I don't have pointy ears!"

"Dude, sure you do! They stick up six inches above your head!"

- "Those ears are just part of the costume, you idiot! Did you really think that I had ears like a jackrabbit?"

"Well, yes. I mean, Raven says that you are most likely some kind of alien."

- "Oh really? And what else does this Raven person say?"

"Well, Raven says that you are probably an alien space-critter type-thing, and that you are most likely completely sex-obsessed, a real alien sex fiend."

- "What?"

"And Raven also says that because you're probably an alien sex fiend, and that you probably have non-stop sex with hundreds of tawdry women, well anyway Raven says that it's all your fault that Robin is completely terrified of girls."

- "This Raven creature actually said that, did she?"

"Yeah, and she also actually said that prolonged exposure to your decadent alien lifestyle has most likely warped Robin for life, and that Robin will probably never have sex, because he was traumatized by your alien degeneracy."

- "She said that? Why that little..."

"Oh, but I wouldn't worry about it. Raven said all those things before we went to Tokyo."

- "What what? What happened in Tokyo?"

"Dude, what happens in Tokyo stays in Tokyo. Let's just say that we shouldn't worry about Robin not having sex."

- "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh-oh, I've probably said too much. I... really can't talk about this right now, dude! Forget I said anything! Let's talk about something else!"

- "No, let's talk about what happened in Tokyo."

"Erm.. Well, I shouldn't really say, because I don't really know... At least, not for sure... And I really, really can't talk about this right now!"

- "Tell me what you know. Now."

"Well, I could tell you. But I'd only be guessing."

- "I want answers!"

"Erm... Well, our last night in Tokyo, Robin disappeared for a few hours. And there were rumors that he was spotted in a city park, in a compromising position with... um... n-nobody."

- "What do you mean, with nobody?"

"Um, I mean he was alone. Yes. Completely alone, dude."

- "So, you're saying that there were rumors that Robin was spotted in a compromising position, with himself?"

"Um, okay. Sure, why not?"

- "You're an idiot."

"Well anyway, let's change the subject. Umm... So, did you ever fight Hitler?"

- "What? Of course not! How old do you think I am?"

"Gee, I dunno. Pretty old? Robin says that you're pretty old."

- "Well, I'm not THAT old!"

"Okay, let's change the subject again. Let me think, hmm... Oh, I know. Have you ever noticed that a lot of European women have really hairy forearms?"

- "Now what the hell are you talking about?"

"European women, and their hairy forearms. Have you ever noticed?"

- "Well, maybe. What does this have to do with anything?"

"Oh, nothing."

- "So basically you're just asking random stupid questions now?"

"Yes, basically. Umm..."

- "What?"

"Um, would you say that Wonder Woman is... European?"

- "Are you trying to ask me if I think that Wonder Woman has hairy arms?"

"No, of course not."

- "Well, that's good."

"So anyway, do you think that Wonder Woman shaves her arms?"

- "What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Raven says that Wonder Woman probably shaves her arms."

- "This Raven of yours sure has a lot of interesting theories, doesn't she?"

"She sure does. Oh wait, I think I hear Robin at the front door. Yes, it's Robin. Oh and by the way, all that stuff about Tokyo... Um, no Tamaranians were involved, that's for sure. Erm... I just want to be absolutely clear on that point, okay?"

- "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing. Never mind. Here's Robin."

Beast Boy handed the phone to Robin, and hastily retreated to the living room.

After a while, Raven walked into the living room, and sat down on the couch across from Beast Boy.

"Something weird's going on in the kitchen." said Raven. "Robin is on the phone, having an angry conversation with someone. Something about Tamaranians, and Hitler, and stuff."

"Oh, that's just Batman." said Beast Boy. "I was talking to him for a while, myself."

"Really?" said Raven. "So, what do you think? Is he an alien, or what?"

"Well, he was very evasive about his pointy ears." said Beast Boy.

"I knew it! He's an alien!" Raven exclaimed.

"And not only that, he sort of implied that Wonder Woman has really hairy arms." said Beast Boy.

Raven clapped her hands and snickered. "Tee-hee! So that's why she wears those big bracelets, to hide her hairy old lumberjack forearms!"

"It's a pretty safe bet." Beast Boy agreed.

"I've got to e-mail Argent and Jinx about all this." said Raven.

"Just remind them to keep quiet about it." said Beast Boy.

"Oh sure, we'll treat this as top secret." Raven said, as she hurried upstairs to e-mail her friends.

Beast Boy leaned back on the couch. Batman seemed nice enough, for a pointy-eared geriatric alien sex fiend. Beast Boy thought that it might be fun to visit Gotham, sometime.

And then Robin walked into the living room, and started to strangle him.

(Pause. Stop.)

(Version 2. This version of "Phone Call" was originally prepared for Tgnmemory Teen Titans Forum.)


End file.
